And, Sacreligiously...

The Ten Commandments, Unabridged.
(courtesy of the Brits)

(Oh, and in advance, I am so, SO sorry.)

And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the LORD your God …

You shall have no other gods before Me. If you don’t mind. God has been queuing for ages. It’s only right. Although I suppose God does have a full basket, and Ra over there is only buying a Ginster’s pastie. It sort of seems rude not to let him through, God supposes. Although God would like to get out of here and have some lunch soon. God is so hungry, God could eat a Horus. So watch out! Hahaha. God amuses Himself. But seriously: God is first.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. God doesn’t mean to be rude, but have you considered actually going and studying art? Because, ultimately, that’s not a fish you’ve just carved. It looks a bit like a poo.

You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. God apologises for shouting the word LORD. God just wants to emphasise it, you know. To prove that God is your LORD. If you shout, you’re automatically right and should not be questioned. It lends you a sense of authority, you see. That’s why they do it on cable news. God thinks they might have learned it from those evangelical ministers. God doesn’t talk to them, by the way. God thinks they’re crazy. Don’t argue...

...You shall not kill. Except in cases of political disagreement, civil unrest, land disputes, national security, silencing whistleblowers for corporate gain, convenience, punishment, or any other reason, really. It’s just, you’ve got to have a permit. Okay?

You shall not commit adultery. But let’s face it, you’re going to ignore this one. So how about, you shall not commit adultery if you don’t have enough money to appear to be a respectable member of society.

You shall not steal. Except at Costco, where their Labor Day prices are insane! Also, the natural resources of nations you choose to invade. And stuff from people you kill.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. However, if he carves images of anything that is in the earth, you may witness false bears.

You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his adulterous lover, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor his iPod, nor his Nintendo Wii, nor his Hummer, because let’s face it, it’s a nightmare to run with gas prices as they are, nor his disco skills, nor his vintage pumps, nor his fine a**, nor anything that is your neighbour’s. God’s recommendation: break in and steal the lot. Coveting is bad for the complexion.

Oh, no.