Rant of My Life

I feel the need to philosophize in a somewhat angry manner. In other words, I need to rant about something.

Here's the thing. I have just been doing some nostalgic picture viewing, and I've begun to realize that I might have been/maybe still am somewhat in love with one of my best friends, who is currently spending two years in Spain. The really crappy thing is that I have a TON of pictures of him, enough to truly and totally convince someone, if I wanted to, that we were a serious couple. And it upsets me, partially because why have I kept all of these, and also because hello honey, if you were in a position to take all of these pictures why in the heck didn't you ever pursue a relationship for real, you absolute moron? The deuce is of course, that he is now not only a few thousand miles and an ocean away, but also taken. Damn me and my incredible stupidity! And to make matters even worse, staring at these pictures for nearly an hour has also given me a lot of time to anylize and I feel that there may have been a point at which (judging by his expressions and availability in these pictures, as well as memory) that he might have loved me as well. Isn't that just perfect.

On the other hand, and at the exact same time, I have become completely infatuated (some might call it obsessed, but I am really only exceedingly curious) with a guy whose formal acquaintance with me is almost non-existant. To put it bluntly, I have a middle school crush on this person. For the first time in probably six years I actually imagine myself able to be in love with someone who I know nearly nothing about. It's so trite. Maybe I'm going insane. But seriously, I've always scoffed at the idea of love at first sight, especially since it is almost always a non-mutual feeling. However, ever since I stood about four feet from, let's call him Jack, and our eyes met for a brief moment, I have been compelled to find out nearly everything I can about him. And to be honest, the more I find out, the more impressed I am that maybe he really is my perfect match. Do I need therapy? Good gracious, I actually GOOGLED the man. Never in my entire dating life have I ever been even tempted. What a freak I've become.

So I now pose the rhetorical/philosophical question: In my situation, what is worse? To be dwelling on the past, on what might have been with my friend? Or is it more pathetic to fantasize about the (currently futile) possibility that this Jack is destined to be the man of my dreams? If you know me, you'll know that both of these questions are uncharacteristic of a daily basis, because I usually have a strict policy that men are a waste of my time. Is my heart at a greater risk wishing for something I may have already lost, or for something I could possibly never have? Or does someone just need to slap me right now?