Californica: A Tribute (Uncensored)

It would be impossible to detail the happenings of this epic trip with any sort of literary distinction. However, I will tell you that it was quite mighty, and will no doubt live on in infamy for many weeks, if not months to come. That said, I will now whet your appetite with brief snippets of what actually happened, and leave you tantalized, to wonder what these things really mean.

Tuesday, 6:00am.
Wasn't sure what was happening until I realized that I was talking to Evan on the phone, and I had probably fallen asleep whilst packing.

7-or 8 something am: Robbie schools me at BOMB, but I will eventually exact much revenge and carnage upon him later.

Hang on, wait. I can't find Tuesday in my notes...

Lots of mention has to go out to Evan's hilarious impressions of the Conchords.

Oh, okay here it is--the all awaited summary of Tuesday night, as copied verbatim from my notes:
(Disclaimer: as one of the favorite recurring quotes of this week has been "That's Racist!" prepare yourself, if you're in any way delicate.)

(Dialogue follows Robbie as he shuffles down the street in his best impression of an Asian tourist, several of which we had just seen)
V: "Are you flexing your butt, Robbie?"
R: "No, it just looks like I am."
E:(totally out of nowhere) "That's the Grand Illusion."

Other Tues happenings...

While driving haplessly down the 10, almost got smooshed by an inconsiderate Semi Truck. Has anyone noticed? Why is it always the psycho drivers who DON'T have the "How's my driving? 1-866-TELLUSOK" signs? I ask you.

Ooh, here's a fun one. After our departure, at our first stop in Las Vegas (in the GHETTO of LV) we noticed that the car would NOT start. Broken battery. So, for EVERY time we turned the car off for anything on the way down to LA, we had to find helpful citizens who would rescue us with an electric charge.
I used my Oliver Twist face whenever possible.Twice though, (or was it thrice?) we were rejected, and some of the best excuses I've ever heard were given. Such as,
"Oh, this car doesn't do that." said the rich snobby guy as he and his dearest, "Muffy", stepped out of the Lesabre.
"I can't help you. This is the company car." said other unhelpful corporate type man.
All I have to say about that encounter is God Bless Canada.

Wednesday.

I'm glossing over some stuff because I'm tired and can't remember everything. We ate lunch in the same Chinese restaurant where they filmed Rush Hour. Cheapest food EVER.
Surprisingly, considering my dislike of the general populace as a whole, Chinatown was my favorite part of our meanderings that day. (Just kidding. That's racist! No, I'm really not though.)

GRAUMANN'S CHINESE THEATER.Things I noticed:

One, I had way more fun standing in the footsteps of the guys, because Judy Garland, Rita Hayworth, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marilyn Monroe ALL had midget feet and made me feel like a freak of some kind.
Danny Kaye, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, and Nicholas Cage were all very humble in the signing of their names. But their feet were huge. (Nudge, nudge)
Matt Damon has freakishly tiny hands. (Ahem) I couldn't find Mark Wahlberg anywhere, but it was probably for the best. If I had been able to, there would probably be some very embarrassing pictures of me trying to cuddle with that particular slab of concrete. Also, I probably would've taken Evan's advice and "let him feel [me] up."

Other observations from the Walk of Fame:

Several guys playing bagpipes for money, although I think they could've gotten more if they had a sign saying "We'll stop for cash."

6.5 foot Diva/Drag Queen dressed as some kind of demonic creature gave me a "Ummmhmmm". Now that I think about it, he probably wasn't a drag queen otherwise he would've Mmmhmm'd Robbie or Evan instead. Also, R noted that he seemed to have "stuffed" his codpiece. Wouldn't a Drag Queen want to look more feminine, and try less to play up his more natural gifts?
Not really sure, but I'd rather not think about it.

Saw Darth Vader with his helmet up, and was surprised to find out that he's actually Latino, and doesn't look like James Earl Jones at all. Also, he smokes, and I'm pretty sure that's why he breathed like that. Idiot.

Robbie finally found the star for Cuba Gooding Jr., and was at peace with life.

Stupid Spaniard Musketeer wannabe forced us to take picture with him and a slutty Ukranian Supergirl with 2-inch brown roots, and then demanded tip. We didn't even want one with him anyway. I should've just deleted the digital photo and been like, "No harm, no foul."

Homeless man on Hollywood and Vine held sign that read "I bet you a dollar that you read this sign." I REALLY wished I had a dollar to give him, cause that's what I call kick ass creativity.

Also discovered that Batman is actually a Mormon, after taking in evidence of G-lines under the Batsuit.

Later...Standing in line for WICKED TICKETS:

Didn't win the lottery again, second night in a row. Damn the LA "Karma is Law" theory. It's BS. All I know is that we four cheered louder for the three year old kids and stupid Asians (who don't even understand the words of the play anyway) who won than anyone else did, and we still got screwed.

"I heart transvestites." - This was on the t-shirt of a forty-something looking Mom in line, but now that I think about it, the second word might have said else-such as Translocation or Transylvanianites.

R: "Hey, I can see the stage!"
S: "No, you can't."
R: "No wait, I can see a poster of the stage!"

Evan: "I hate Argyle. If it were up to me, we'd bomb Argyle." - I like argyle socks but probably wouldn't wear them except under pants, or on skanky golf day.

Random, I don't know where this goes.

The Labrea Tar Pits: (White Trash Day)

S: "The tarpit has tasted Robbie, and it desires him."
E: "I like the thought of it being a living thing. And it's gonna HUNT YOU DOWN."
S: "I bet that tarpit gets bored with that same ol same ol...[gazelle carcass and giant sloth pelvis].

"Rubbing Elbows with Famous People conversation.

E: "I didn't talk to him. But I saw him through the glass and I said, : ' O."

THURSDAY:

Whole morning at Venice Beach. Also part of afternoon.
Read the entire book Twilight. I LOVE the beach for this reason. You can read whatever you dam well want to, for as long as you damn well please, and no one comes up to you at any point and says "Whatcha readin?"

Robbie has a big mouth. [NOT] Enough said. If he EVER flat out tells strangers and Greek counsins of my aquaintance that I am "menstruating" again, I will show him EXACTLY what it feels like by tearing him a new one, from which he can then hemmorage.

SAME DAY:
Wicked was the single most pivotal moment of my life. It marked the first time I have ever fervently wished to be a mythical creature, and practce the dark arts. And to be green. Also, when the lights came up after the first act, I wasn't entirely sure I hadn't wet myself.

FRIDAY:

R: "Isn't it funny that we're going to a place called Fuller to fill up our gas?"
...Ten seconds later...
V: "Isn't it funny how the town is called Fuller, and we're getting gas here?"
R: "I just said that."
V: "I know. I was quoting you."
R: (WTF look)
V: "It doesn't matter when you said it. A quote can be resaid anytime."
E: "Yeah. Like my good friend Ronny once said, a quote can be resaid anytime."

I kicked Robbie's A at BOMB on the way home. And I really think we should schedule another trip to somewhere so I can do it again.