Mrs. Pots is a Whore!
This is my life. I am sitting on the couch in my living room, next to my husband of two and a half months. We (or, okay... I) am watching Jane Eyre on our huge television that doesn't technically belong to us but just TRY taking it away from me when the time comes. Aaanyway this is how our conversation goes.
[In the background]: "Jane... I've often wanted to put you on your guard..."
Jake: Kisses.
Me [thoroughly engrossed in the super depressing Bronte story]: "Shhh."
Jake: Kisses!
Me [watching Angela Lansbury and trying to understand what she's saying]: "Quiet, Mrs. Pots is talki--"
Jake [agitated]: "MRS. POTS IS A WHORE!"
You see, having a husband is a lot like having a pet, or a small child. Not like a plant, where they can be left alone for long periods of time and not suffer their health. Husbands might be somewhat independent to a degree (depending on the husbands), but even the most well-adjusted of their species are prone to fits of whining, tantrums, and other such varieties of unreasonable behavior when they don't get their way.
Pets are occasionally messy, and loud like our neighbor's tiny dog. But they really don't require a lot of emotional attention, besides the odd scratching or petting. Plants are relatively low-maintenance, but you still have to try and do stuff to them so as not to accidentally kill them. (I always do. Kill them, I mean.) Small children are another matter entirely, as they require the three things that all humans need, ***food, shelter, and love*** but to an excess that disturbs me greatly. And I often wonder whether I am capable of doing those things for/to a tiny human. And then, there is also that part about trying really hard not to kill them accidentally.
This is how I am slowly learning to become a responsible adult. By practicing feeding, taking care of, and trying not to kill my husband. And frankly, I think it's going rather well. I might just make a good wife... someday.
I guess we'll see how far my hard work takes me, if he is still alive next year.
posted by Vandersun @ 11:54 PM
4 Comments:
little kids and plants dont bring you pizza and ice cream to your work in exchange for nookie...
Seriously, I think his enraged rebuttal to this post is like 5000 times funnier than the original post.
http://texaswithadollarsign.blogspot.com/
Lol. The (Utah?) belief that if you can keep a plant for two years and a pet for a year without killing either that you're ready for a relationship. You've taken that to a new level by asserting that if you can keep a husband alive for a space of time without killing him you're ready for the mini versions.
I keep fake plants and digital pets. That may be the root of my singledom.
Less old tv, more blogging! I need my Vero fix.
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