Articles They'll Never Let Me Write

"Loose BYU Girls and the RMs Who Date Them" - A focus piece on the girls that the BYU collar-popping dempgraphic secretly covets, and will only be seen with in Orem, apparently.

"Damn the Man: Why Beurocratic A**holes Are Allowed Parking Spaces Aplenty While I Park My Scooter and Walk" - An expose' on the recent shift of student motorcycle/moped parking into "faculty motorbikes only" spaces, which seem to be reserved for invisible, imaginary vehicles.

"Stephen Colbert is a God" - Why Stephen Colbert is more qualified to run for office than any of the ponces who are actually in the current running.

"Winter is Coming, I'd Rather Be In Hell" - This piece would be strictly editorial, you understand

"Halloween: Best Holiday Ever, or A Perfect Excuse to Dress Like a Skank Once a Year?" - In my opinion, both! (Of course, why limit it to only once a year when there are murder mystery parties!!?)

"Vote Obama" - He heh he...oh crap, here they come. Run!

"Why I Will Never Blog Conservative" - Much like a midget at a urinal, I'd best stay on my toes.

"The Dark Truth Behind the University's 'No Caffiene' Rule" - It turns out that caffiene and the mind-control agent that's already being injected into the soda on campus make a lethal mix when combined.

"Rape Hill" - If it's true that at least one rape occurs there per year, and that's not just an urban legend to frighten new freshmen into walking home in pairs, then why the hell haven't we paved it over already and made it into an incredibly well-lit Y Lot?

If you have any other ideas, feel free to pass them my way.

[Insert Byline Here]

Here is my current predicament:

I have too much creativity, too little direction, and far too many other things to do with my time. I recently began my second to last semester of school, into which I have to cram the last ten or so GE's, major requirements, internship credits, and enough food service work to satisfy the ravenous demands of the newly married budget. (And I of course use the term "budget" loosely.) I've just been told that I'm going to be considered for a Fall internship at a locally prestigious newspaper (har, har), in addition to working on staff (required, of course) at the School's Newspaper, which I will hereafter refer to as the "Daily Planet". (Because Universe is FAR too overreaching for the scope of this tiny publication.)

Anyway, so I'm a metro reporter for the National/World news desk, assigned the task of coming up with at least two stories a week, and as I began to research my first article I realized: I have been totally oblivious as to what the hell is going on. I didn't even know the name of Obama's VP pick, for crying out loud! So now I've submerged myself into a subject matter that makes me feel ignorant and out of the loop, but where I have to somehow tread and come out sounding like an expert. My prospects are bright, but extremely stressful, and I've become increasingly more lazy when it comes to busywork as my education has progressed. So what do I do? Shall I take it easy on myself and, like thousands of other newly married girls, take a number and step out of line because "married life is such a big adjustment"? Should I jump in with both feet and risk a huge, embarrassing flop? Have I forgotten how to be a good reporter?

Pressing questions, all. Perhaps I should have entitled this post "rational fears"...