We are the Champions, my friend...

So rejection. Does it get easier over time? Or does it just start happening sooner and sooner as we continue to lose our confidence? I've made a personal study of this phenomenon, and what I am beginning to discover is that yes, it is actually possible to go pro in the sport of rejection.

At this point, some of you might be saying, woah, okay not so fast here. I've been rejected before and every time it gets worse. But before you argue with me (the expert) let's take a look at the facts. First of all, have you ever been rejected after a long period of courtship? If yes, how did that make you feel? Have you ever been rejected even before the relationship began? How did THAT make you feel? The point I'm trying to make is that maybe, just maybe, the feeling is no less poignant or intense before than after. Rejection sucks now just as much as it ever did, but what becomes so frustrating about it is that, the longer you go without a hit, the better you're going to be at the swing-and-a-miss. Not only will it begin to happen sooner in the relationship (perhaps even before the second date, or why stop there, the first mutual hanging out?) but you'll come to expect it long before it happens. You might even begin to forgo relationships altogether because you'll have a sure knowledge that rejection is on the horizon. Perhaps you can even get so good at pre-rejection defense tactics that you'll begin to ignore the opposite sex altogether. That, my friend, is a winning strategy. I'm sure that with this attitude, you can never fail. And who knows, someday, someone might come along who will be so intent on not rejecting you, that your PRDT won't even work on them. What a brilliant strategy.

For more disturbingly bad relationship advice and other such satirical nonsense, visit youregoingtodiealone.com. Have a pleasant day.