Blechh. I feel ga-ross. I have sacrificed my personal well-being for the sake of honor and responsibility, and I'm really kind of annoyed about it. Today, I got up at seven thirty to get ready for work, knowing full well that I would rather die. I came in on time, opened the store, and was cheerful and plucky to everyone that passed (nevermind that I sounded rather more like a derranged snot monster than my real self) successfully boosting sales.

Now I want to kill someone.

I am not one of those people that deals well with illness, as those who know me might have noticed. Whenever I begin to get sick, it is pretty easy to tell because, even before my actual symptoms emerge I get really pissed off at everything. I hate being sick. It makes me feel weak, useless, and I always feel like I have no excuse to stop working just as hard because I feel kinda yucky. Other people, I'm certain, look at my sickness in the same way - as no excuse. Especially when one has as much to be done as I have to do. I'm more likely to give myself a day off because I work hard and deserve it than because I'm sick. Taking a sick day just feels like groveling, in some way. So as a result, I tend to keep working even though it makes me miserable, and only complain about the fact that I hate sickness. Never once today did I mention that I might like to leave and go home, and it was not offered. Although it was apparent in my voice and sporadic phlegm noises that I might not be top shape, no one asked if I was feeling unwell. Kanchana even remarked that the only thing she had noticed was that I seemed rather more pissed off than usual. Not that I'm ever usually pissed off, but that just goes to show how much I hate being sick.

Her comment did cause me to wonder a bit, though: Does the way I deal with my own weakness (mercilessly, and without pity) cause others to view me differently? If I was less tough maybe and cried more, or complained more, or asked for help more, would people be more likely to want to comfort me, protect me, and offer to help me in times of struggle? Do I put off some vibe like "I don't need you, I'm fine." that causes others to leave me to deal on my own, no matter how unmatched the battle? Maybe I need to stop being so tough and ask for help one of these times, because so far no one has realized I might need some. And sometimes, I really do.